I'm in love.

I have a little something to tell everyone.

I have fallen hard.

I am so in love.

In love with infomercials.

OH MY GAWD!

I am always, "LOOK! NO REALLY! LOOK! HOW COOL IS THAT? WE TOTALLY NEED IT!!"

Check this out. Fix It Pro. A little marker that can totally get scratches out. I mean watch the video. They make it look so real by actually scratching a car with a nail and FIXING IT! WHAT? Tell me that is not the coolest ever!

How about the Topsy Turvy? Want to grow your tomatoes upside down? I sure do. Totally the coolest ever. According to my Dad (the UPS guy) they totally don't work. He said he had delivered a few and the people were having issues with their fabulous Topsy Turvy. Bummer.

Want to cook your pasta in the microwave? Check out the Pasta N More.

How about when the ShamWow guy throws that yellow cloth, known as the ShamWow, in the glass pie plate and it sucks up all that water! How about WOW?!

Do you forget to water your plants? Try the Aqua Globe. My favorite part of the infomercial is the when they put a huge "X" over the ugly dead plants. Ha. Makes me laugh every time.

I am a sucker for infomercials.

How cool is this shiz?

It's probably all crap but I seriously love all of the ideas.

A+ for effort!

We have a pet pig... you just never knew it.

Last night I let Caroline lay in the bed with me.

We were watching Charlotte's Web to help us go to sleep.

Caroline leaned over and whispered, "I love you, Mommy."

Melt my heart into a million pieces.

Then she ended the conversation by telling me NOT to tell her Daddy. WHAT!

She also asked for a pig. A black one. She wanted him to live in her house.

I told her we had a pig. She looked at me funny. I told her that his name was Daddy.

Just pay for it.

My dad is not the type of guy that likes plastic women.

Anyway, while sitting at the beach this weekend, drinking a Pomegranate Raspberry Bartles & Jaymes (for the first time), with my gut hanging over my shorts... I had a conversation with my Dad. It went a little something like this...

Me: "So Dad, I've been thinking. I need plastic surgery."

Jay: "Whattttt? Oh, nawww."

Me: "Dad... I mean I really need it. I want a little lift of the boobs (I lifted my boobs to show the appropriate position they should be in) and a little implant. I mean not big at all. Oh, and I want laser therapy for my stretch marks."

Silence.

Me: "Dad, I NEED it... really bad. I just NEED it done."

Jay: "No. Do you know what you need? You need an ab lounge."

Everyone got a kick out of that.

Everyone but me.

Just pay for the plastic surgery, Dad.

It is inevitable. I will have boobs with or with out your help.

Obviously he is not going to help me.

So, excuse me while I go sling my boobs over my shoulders and show off my stretch marks.

Be jealous.

Another one.

These shoes are adorable and I need them. Well, really Emma needs them.

Amy has done it again!

Head over to Swag Studio for your chance to win too!

Hammers and nails and fishy tails...

... that's what little boys are made of.

Boys.

They are wired differently.

They can't help it.

I love to see how the actions of little boys and girls differ.

Exhibit A:


What? Is that a fish, you ask? Why, yes. Yes it is. Is it nailed to the dock, you ask? Why, yes. Yes it is.

First he caught it.

Then he put it under the bucket. Not in the bucket. UNDER the bucket.

He said it was "drying out."

He then found a hammer and nail.

He nailed it to the dock post.

That, my friends, is the difference between boys and girls.

Thank God I have girls.

I'll take dress up clothes over dead fish nailed to a post any day.

Swag Studio.

You all know how I am about giveaways.



Amy at Swag Studio is having a great giveaway.

This is what I'm after...


A new camera strap.

So cute, right?

Click over to Amy's blog for your chance to win!

Not Me! Monday.

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did not let Caroline wear a 18-24 month shirt to her preschool program. I did not forget that she had to wear red. I did not wake up that morning in search of a red shirt. I did not layer it with a white shirt. I did not tell myself that I needed to layer it just in case she had to lift her arms in the air or something. It did not work out just fine.

I did not call my husband a jerkface in this post.

I did not think that I ripped Emma's ear off with my ring the other day. I did not cry. She did not look at me like I was a nutjob. She was not absolutely fine.

Emma did not sleep in a suitcase. I did not get the idea from this post.

We did not go to the beach this weekend.

We did not have a great time.

The suitcase did not have two small pillows and two towels for padding. I'm sure Emma did not think that it was a fluffy cloud. I was not jealous at all of her sleeping situation. I did not wonder if there was an actual suitcase big enough for me to sleep in.

I did not win cloth diapers from Andrea at The Laughs Will Go On.

I am not super excited about trying cloth diapering.

I do not think that I am going to absolutely love it.

I am not tired.

I am not going to bed.

I am not sorry that this was a short post.

I do not have a funny post for you tomorrow morning.

I will not be up and posted bright and early.

We went to the Nature Center in town a few weeks ago. It was amazing... all 20 animals.

I kid.

I mean there really were only about 20 animals but we did have a good time. They had a little train and a playground which was a plus in Caroline's book.

My favorite part was when Caroline hit a snake case and the albino snake shot his head up like he was going to eat her. She was fine with it. I almost shit wet my pants.

Time passes (on a Dora watch).

Getting three people ready to leave the house is terrible. Throw Ryan in the mix and it is AWFUL!

I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to pack bags, fix hair, brush teeth.

It is chaotic (for lack of a better word).

The other day while I am getting everything ready to leave to go to dinner, Caroline insists that I let her wear a Dora watch that she got almost a year ago for learning how to teetee in the potty. Charater decor is not my favorite as you probably know.

I put the watch on her anyway and went about my merry way.

Time passed.

I was almost ready.

Caroline opened the door, looked at her watch and said, "Mommy! Me been waiting for free minutes. Let's go!"

She obviously is her father's child. She hates to wait.

Jerkfaces unite.

A can of Pepsi fell over into the passenger seat this morning.

"Clean that up as soon as we get home," I told myself.

Yeah, well... I forgot. I just remembered about 2 minutes ago.

I sat in the Pepsi 4 hours ago. 4 HOURS AGO!

In white shorts.

Jerkface Ryan bounces down the stairs, "You have something on your ass butt."

"What? Where? What is it?"

"Something. On your ass butt. Your shorts are really dirty."

"I mean can you point to it for me. Where? Where the hell is it?"

Points to the air. "Right there."

"JUST SHOW ME! I DON'T SEE IT."

Because I was totally looking on the wrong butt cheek.

He finally points to the actual spot on my actual butt.

"OH MY GOD! WHY?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

"Well, you know... umm, I saw it at the church and thought that it was too late. There was nothing you could do about it then so I just didn't say anything."

"Why wouldn't you just tell me? I could have made sure my shirt was pulled down over it at least."

Shrugs his shoulders.

The worst part, we went out to lunch afterwards. I am assuming that my Mom and Nana saw it on my butt too and just failed to tell me. I mean come on people help a sister out!

So, if you saw a crazy girl with two children and a husband who lives in lala land out and about today (at a preschool program- walking to the front of the church to take pictures) (at a local dark pizza place walking around fixing salads) with Pepsi on her ass butt, ignore her. She was flustered and had no idea that there was anything on her. Her husband who lives in lala land thought it was "too late" to tell her. Jerkface.

Double jogger strollers suck.

Meet my first true love.

Ryan says that this is my Mercedes.

Meet the mack daddy of all single jogger strollers known to man.

In the beginning, I was worried.

"JEEP? Really? I want a Phil & Ted's Bumbleride $800 stroller that I can't afford. I drive a freaking Jeep. I don't want to push a Jeep stroller."

I searched.

I found it.

I cried (I can sometimes get things by doing this).

This was it. This was the stroller I had to have.

A couple of hundred dollars later and this became my first mothers day gift. Mothers Day 2007 was fabulous.

I now have a problem. It is 2009 and I need a double jogger. Being that I have two kids, I need two seats. It is awful pushing Caroline in the stroller and wearing Emma at the same time. Talk about a work out. I should look like Marisa Miller (but I don't).

Anyway, back to the point. A double jogger.

HELP.

H-E-L-P.

Nothing compares to my Jeep Jogger.

Reasons why this stroller is the best:

1. It has Music on the Move. Meaning, I can totally hook my hand-me-down ghetto iPod to it and play music through speakers attached to the stroller. Caroline enjoys the music just as much as I do. Caroline and I have been known to bust a move or two on our walks.

2. This fabulous stroller came complete with a trusty little hand air pump and a weather shield. I have never used either one but it is nice to know that I have them.

3. How about it has a speed and distance odometer. Not only do you know how long you have been walking and how far, you know how fast you are going. It helps you to keep a steady pace (until you decide to bust a move to Prince's Kiss in the middle of the street).

4. It has two cup holders for me. This is nice because I can put my keys in one and my cellular device in the other. Don't you worry though. There are more places for my water. It has a handy dandy water bottle holder in the cargo netting that is somewhat attached to the back of Caroline's seat. Caroline's drink you ask? How about she has her very own cup holder AND snack tray!

So now, I need a double jogger that does all the same things as my trusty Jeep. I need this exact same stroller but just a double. I will love you forever and always if you find it for me. I have looked. I am over it. I am about to give up my search for the ultimate double jogger. Please help me!

Wordless Wednesday: She has wings.

All I could do was laugh annd think "what a weirdo".

Caroline's DWTS Conversation.

Dancing with the Stars came on last night.

Me: "Caroline! The dancing show is on!"

Caroline: "ME COMING!"

We dance around the leaving room kicking our leg to our nose and other silly moves.

C: "Me love dis!"

M: "Show me your dance moves."

Caroline dances like her father a maniac. During her kick flip karate chop move she suddenly stops to stare at the TV.

C: "Woah! Me see her boobies!"

Help OHmommy.

Dearest blog readers,

Meet OHmommy. I feel that we would totally be BFFs in real life. Anyway, she needs your vote for her video. Sign in to YouTube and click on the stars. Leave her a comment on her video. The top 5 YouTube videos with the most views/comments/ratings are the semi-finalists. Let's make OHmommy the winner!

Not Me! Monday.

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did not let my 7 month old eat an Oreo this week.


If I did, I would not take pictures of her eating it AND pictures afterwards.



I have not been putting topsy tails in Caroline's hair this week.

I do not think that it is adorable.

Every time I fix her topsy tail, I do not think about how out of date they are.

I do not ignore my thoughts.


I am not excited that I finally got Caroline's green and pink seersucker dress.

My Mom did not order it for me in February. FEBRUARY.


I did not cook a delicious dinner of marinated pork chops, green bean bundles, and Paula Deen's corn casserole last week. Do not call me Martha Stewart.

I did not decide to try at least one new recipe a week.

Caroline does not love playing dress up.

She did not dress up in a witch dress, tutu, white fur hat, and pink feather shoes to go eat dinner at Ryan's parents house.

I most definitely would not let her such such things out of the house.

She did not throw a fit because I wouldn't let her wear her Snow White costume to Anna's soccer game.

I did not even ponder the idea of actually letting her do it because I was sick of fighting.

I did not win the dress fight by telling her that she would trip on her dress and fall off of the bleachers if she wore it. I would never scare my child like that.

Emma did not have tooth numero dos cut through this weekend. Great times. I do not need sleep. I am not a zombie by the end of the day. I did not pray that these will be her only teeth for a while.


I am not almost done with New Moon. I did not get WAY better. I cannot wait to start Eclipse!

I want letter behind my name too.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago.

I had not been to this super hot doctor in a few years. I was preggers with Caroline when I last went.

Anyway, not going to the doctor for a while equals lots of papers to fill out.

If they asked me once, they asked a million times... "Occupation".

In the spaces, I proudly put SAHM.

I didn't think about it again until the super hot doctor brought it up.

SHD (Super Hot Doctor): "So, it says here you are married. You are 24. You are a... ummmm... what does S-A-H-M mean?"

Me: "Stay at home mom."

Laugher ensued.

Me: "And I'm totally going to start putting those letters behind my name."

He thought this was hilarious.

I was totally serious.

Hailey H. Lafone, SAHM

It makes me sound super important, huh?

The root of no sleep!

I have found the root to our sleeping issues.

Guess who is getting her very first tooth?

Emma Bug is!


Click the picture for an up close and personal view!

Anacodas.

Telephone rings.

Me: "Hello?"

Anna: "You will not freaking believe what just happened to me!"

Me: "Dear God. What?"

Anna: "I left your house and came home. I was waiting for the garage door to open and I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I look. It was a freaking anaconda. He lifted his head and looked at me. He looked at me. IN THE EYES! I didn't know what to do so... I called Dad." Keep in mind, people, that my dad is a UPS driver in a town about 45 minutes away.

Me: "What the heck did you call him for?"

Anna: "Well, I told him there was a freaking anaconda in our driveway."

Me: "Anna. Be serious. What is he going to do about it?"

Anna: "Well, I told him he had to come home. RIGHT NOW!"

There was silence.

Anna: "He laughed. Then, he told me to kill it."

Me: "WHAT? Don't don't even touch dogs much less kill snakes."

Anna: "Anyway. Daddy George came and killed it. Threw it in the woods.

Me: "Tell me, how big was this "anaconda"?"

Anna: "Ummm... pretty big. I'd say about three feet."

ALMOST Wordless Wednesday.

You have met Anna before.

My sister.

Her senior prom was a few weeks ago.

Take a look at some of the pretty pictures.





Then I saw this picture of best friends.


Imagine my surprise to find this one.


Edited for obvious reasons.

Now, when Caroline says/does something not acceptable... I will blame Anna.

Potty mouth... We will say Anna taught her.

Hitting... we will say Anna taught her.

Giving the bird... Anna taught her.

PS- Caroline really doesn't know how to flip someone off... yet. Given the circumstances... I give her about... 3 more seconds.

Jesus' side job.

Did you know Jesus had a side job? Well, according to Caroline he does.

Laying in bed... bedtime... storming outside.

H: "We have to be still and be quiet because Jesus is working."

C: Ponders this for a moment. "Jesus working?"

H: "Yep. He is making it rain so that the grass and flowers and tomatoes will grow."

C: Thinks a little more.

H: "Hear the thunder? He is doing that too. See this lightning? He is doing that too!"

C: Still thinking. "Jesus on the computer?"

H: "Maybe."

That's all I had. I didn't know how to answer. So, in case you were ever wondering about what else Jesus does... Jesus works on the computer.

Pray for the Freeman's

Praying.

Not Me! Monday Tuesday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I am not writing my Not Me's! on Tuesday morning.

I am not exhausted.

I have not been up since 5am.

Emma has not had a rough two weeks.

I have not blamed her lack of sleep on the moon. Is it really full?

I am not running on coffee. It is not the only thing that is keeping me going.

Caroline did not call her sister a nutball. My two year old definitely does not know or use that word.

I did not eat all of the no bake cookies that my MIL and Caroline made Friday night.

I did not just eat the last one for breakfast.

I did not clean up the downstairs yesterday. (In all honesty, you can't even tell it this morning.)

I do not have plans to clean again today... and tomorrow... and the next day... and the next day... and the next day... you get the picture.

I am not done with Not Me! Monday. I will not try to remember my not me's next week so that this post will be better.

This week...

What you have to look forward to this week...

- Not Me! Monday

- My Mothers Day

- Jesus' side job

- Anacondas

- Lord forbid she have to wait

- Where Caroline gets her potty mouth

- CSI: Hailey's Car (We may or may not have killed an animal. Wait and see, my friends. Wait and see.)

But first, I must clean this house. I took the weekend off. I washed no clothes. My dishwasher is so full it might explode. Caroline dropped a cup of milk on the floor and a cup of Kool-Aid yesterday. A kitchen floor mopping is in order. Today I must clean. Tonight, I will get my posts up and ready.

PS- I'm reading New Moon. Yes, I know that I am a tad bit late. I read Twlight over a year ago. Anyway, I am disappointed. Was anyone else disappointed in this book? I am only half way through it so don't give me any details. I miss Edward though. It is boring without him.

Happy Odd Day!

Today is Odd Day. 5/7/09, is one of only six dates this century that will feature three consecutive odd numbers.

We fight over stupid stuff and SHE wins.

We fought.

Then she did it.

She looked at me. Rolled her eyes. She said, "Woser," under her breath.

We all know that she meant "LOSER".

She is TWO (almost three) and is already calling me a loser. My guess is that she has heard me call her father this name before... so don't ask me where she learned the word.

Now, I am just waiting for her to add the ridiculous hand gesture (a L made with your thumb and pointer finger) that sits on her forehead.

Dear God, please watch over me. I think I am in for a wild ride.

One husband for sale.

We went out to dinner Saturday night with another couple.

We always enjoy our dinners out... childless.

It gives us time to be... ummm... adults.

On the way to dinner, a conversation about birth began. (My best friend is preggo. That is why we started talking about giving birth.)

"It's terrible. It's not something you want to do on a day to day basis"

"What can you compare it too?"

"Nothing. Giving birth. That's the only way to describe it. It hurts like a S.O.B."

Ryan: "OH! It doesn't hurt!"

The whole car decided to get quiet.

I think that they knew it was best to not add fuel to my fire.

I saw steam come out of my ears, nose, mouth.

It was on.

I started sweating.

"When you decide to push a cantaloupe out of you, come talk to me. I pushed a freaking watermelon out of me. A watermelon! Have you ever held a watermelon?"

My fun night was over. O.V.E.R. Over before it even began.

Jerkface.

I will not repeat the rest of the conversation. Just know, it was taken care of.

P.S.- If you find my husband for sale on CraigsList, you know why.

Not Me! Monday is back!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Now that Stellan is out of the hospital, I shall participate in Not Me! Monday. Are you ready?

I did not have a really bad day this week that ended in me yelling, "WHY DON'T YOU BOTH JUST CRAWL BACK UP MY VAGINA TO MY UTERUS!" Caroline and Emma's eyes did not get big at all.

I have not held Emma for seven month straight. Count them. Seven.

I did not laugh while taking pictures because Caroline said, "You put on internet for everybody see?" Yep. She is my child.

I did not go all week without cooking.

I did not let my 2 year old go to a 3 and 1/2 hour dance recital. I have better sense than that.

If I did let my almost 3 year old go to said dance recital, I most definitely would not allow her to dance in the aisle during the recital. That would be rude and obnoxious to those around her.

If she did dance in the aisle, I would not let her actually lay in the aisle... in a dress... legs in the air. Rudeness.

I did not enjoy watching my sister dance.

I did not take a million pictures.





Caroline did not declare to everyone that would listen that she wanted to take dance.

I did not cringe at the thought of sitting through 4 hour dance recitals.

I did not vow to find a teacher that split her recital into two nights.

Emma is not sitting up well. She can almost do it by herself. We are extremely proud.

Caroline and Emma did not lay in our bed last night and giggle for 30 minutes at each other.

It was not precious.

I hope you did not enjoy Not Me! Monday. I will not be back next week with more.

Skinny nut job.

Ana Ortiz told PEOPLE magazine that pregnancy made her psychic.

Too bad all I got was stretch marks, boobs that touch my belly button and lots of stretched out skin.

Dang.

Skinny and psychic... how lucky is she??

Oh the choices... Skinny and psychic OR fat and flabby with no psychic ability?

I may not have gotten psychic powers from pregnancy but at least I'm not the one that sounds like a nut job here.

At least she is a cute preggo nut job.

Bzzed (again)

You have been Bzzed (again)!

I am a Bzz agent and I was sent this product and was asked to spread the word!

I have a gift for 7 of you.

Do your children have allergies?

Is your child 2 years old or older?

Claritin has come out with Children's Claritin.

Here are the facts:

- Provides powerful non-drowsy relief for your child's worst allergy symptoms
- #1 Pediatrician recommended non-drowsy brand
- Safe and effective for kids 2 and up
- Only over-the-counter that provides powerful all-day relief for a child's worst indoor and outdoor allergy symptoms.
- Comes in a grape chewables that are safe and effective for kids 2 and up and a syrup for kids 2 and up.

Claritin wants me to spread the word. They were nice enough to send a sample for me to try. They also sent $3.00 coupons for me to give away. The first 7 people who want to try Children's Claritin and send me an e-mail (thelafones[at]gmamil[dot]com) with their name and mailing address will recieve the coupons.

XOXO,