Iron Man did not get home from work until 9:15pm the other night.
He left us at 8am.
This is a busy time of year for UPS.
We are thankful but the girls miss Daddy. And sometimes I hate being a "UPS widow". That's what happens at Christmas though.
His supper was waiting for him and the bed was turned back.
The girls fell asleep waiting for him to get home.
I thought about one night this summer.
I wrote about it but never posted it.
This is what I wrote:
We were sitting on the back deck. The evening had turned cool while we waited for a storm. When the wind blew just the right way, you could almost smell the rain that was on its way. Lightning was dancing in the clouds. I giggled and said it looked like Jesus was putting on a fireworks show. It was dark. He didn't make eye contact. I didn't see him smile but I felt it. I sat down by him with my iced wine. We listened to music and just enjoyed being together. No more words. We came to this crossroads a few years ago. The crossroads of "we-are-no-longer-newlyweds-but-we-are-not-an-old-married-couple". I hated it when we stopped talking to each other every second. There never used to be a silent moment between the two of us. Our feelings never changed. We just fell silent at certain times. We would go out to dinner and barely talk. Then I realized, we are happy to just be together. He makes me realize that I don't have to talk every minute. It is never awkward. It is just silent sometimes. To be honest, silence is golden these days. He knows now that I need that silence every once in a while. With two children that are only 26 months apart, silence is hard to come by. My brain turns 8000 miles a minute on most days. Some days I don't even remember to use the bathroom. So sitting on the back deck, in the dark, with my wine (his beer), and the dancing lightning made me love this man even more. And we are happy. Silent and happy.
One week ago, the parents of those 20 Sandy Hook elementary school students were rushing about their morning just like me and you. Unbeknownst to them the grueling fate that lie ahead.
This morning was a quiet morning.
I made a promise to myself Friday that I will do my very best not yell at Caroline in the mornings anymore. My morning ran much smoother with no yelling and fighting. In the end does it really matter what jeans she wore, or shoes she wore, that her hair was not perfectly placed or that we were a little late?
We got in the car and as I backed out of the driveway, I started praying. Praying for my babies, their teachers, their schools.
I pray for my family everyday but this morning was different.
About halfway to school, I realized I was no longer asking God to watch over my family today... I was begging. Screaming to Him at the top of my lungs to please take care of my children and keep them safe.
I had the music loud (we love loud music) and the girls were singing along to Dave Matthews "Mercy" (how appropriate that this just so happened to be playing when we got in the car).
I cried. "Trust in theLordwith all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..."
I cried for all those parents and loved ones of those who lost their lives Friday.
I cried for my babies who have to grow up in a world that is... well, just mean.
I cried for me. I cried and begged. "...in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your pathsstraight."
This morning was worse than the first day of Kindergarten.
I am a mess.
Losing control is my biggest fear. I am realizing that no matter how much I love and pray and beg, I cannot control my children's future. That, my friends, is a hard, jagged pill for me to swallow.
My Mom's favorite verse is Proverbs 3:5-6. It's a verse you hear your whole life in the Christian faith. It is a verse that popped in my head this morning. "Trust in theLordwith all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your pathsstraight."
Time is crawling already today. I am ready to pick Caroline up and have her here with me. School just seems so scary right now. School? Scary?? Our babies are not even safe at school.
I am counting down the minutes until I can go get her from that place.
Until then, I will trust.
I will trust the administrative staff of her school.
I will trust her teachers.
I will trust God.
That is all we can do.
Trust and pray.
Thank you to all of my teacher friends. I said a prayer for you this morning too. You are amazing girls. You leave your precious babies everyday to take care of precious babies like mine. I can never thank you enough.
Shoes: The Children's Place- similar here (Yes, the toe of that black shoe is rubbed off. I color it with a black sharpie to make it look better but I forgot to do it before the picture. They are actually Caroline's favorite shoes. Yes, my children share shoes. Can you guess which toe Big uses on her scooter?)