Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bending. {It's about to get deep}


~NOTE: I am writing this at the risk of making it sound like I am super unhappy with my life. That is definitely NOT the case. I am proud of everything that I am and everything I have become. However, I had to learn how to bend. Not everything is going to happen exactly as you want it to. For that reason, you must learn how to bend.

I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand


The other day in the car, I was listening to "Learning How to Bend" by Gary Allan. It is a song that will bring you to your knees when you listen to it.

The story behind that song... and the whole album... is more than life-changing. {I'll explain later.}

So, this song got me thinking.

As a mother I am learning how to bend. Even after three years and two babies.

As a mother, nothing ever happens the way you planned for it to happen. Nothing goes the way you want it to go.

Everyday is a challenge. I am still learning how to bend.

Nothing goes as planned. I am still learning how to bend.

Caroline never wears what I want her to wear. I am still learning how to bend.

Emma doesn't cooperate with I'm trying to get something done. I'm still learning how to bend.

I wanted Caroline to be able to swim by now. I am still learning how to bend.

I want Emma to be doing all of the things one year olds are doing. This was a big thing for me with Caroline. I thrived on the fact that she did everything a one year old was suppose to do way before she was a year old. With Emma it has been more difficult. She will be a year old on Saturday. However, she will only really be 10 months since she was born at 32 weeks. She is not far from walking and she is talking great. It's just different than Caroline. I am still learning how to bend.

The song applies to my role as a wife.

I can't stand the way Ryan brushes his teeth. I am still learning how to bend.

I wish that we communicated better. I am still learning how to bend.

The song then applies to my whole life in general.

It is hard to balance all aspects of my life sometimes. Meaning, sometimes it is hard to be the best mother, wife and friend all at the same time. I am still learning how to bend.

I still have two giftcards sitting on my desk that need to be sent to a giveaway winner. Hello? Late much? I use to ALWAYS be on time. I am still learning how to bend.

I have all these goals that I want to reach, that are just sitting here staring back at me. I am still learning how to bend.

Bending. Molding. Shaping. Making me a better person. It is always God's plan. Not ours. We are all bending. All of the time.

Shaping.

Molding.

Bending.

I am still learning how to bend. Bending so that I see that there are bigger problems in the world. Bending so that I see that my life isn't so chaotic and crazy. Bending so that I see that I am the best wife, mother, and friend that I can be even when I feel like I'm not.

In what ways are you still learning how to bend?

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{Super sad meaning behind Gary Allan's album. Again, this makes my rants look super small in comparison. It's weird how someone's loss makes you realize all that you have in life.}

On October 25, 2001 Gary's wife committed suicide.

"When we moved, Angela had a lot of allergies and the allergies would trigger migraines. Her migraines were so bad that she would black out and have to go lie down. She was depressed, but because the depression seemed to start with the migraines, she never really got properly treated for the depression. She got treated for the migraines.
The night she died she was physically sick, throwing up. I had been on the road and I had just come home. There was a Halloween party we were all going to, and I asked her if she wanted me to stay home with her. She was like, “No,
the kids have been looking forward to this party, take them.” After the party,I got all the kids tucked in bed and was watching TV. It was about 12 o’clock at night, and she came over and sort of hassled me about what I was watching.Then after she walked away I thought, “Wow, that was way out of character.” She just made no sense.
I turned off the TV and went into the bedroom. I wanted to be close to her in case she needed something. She asked me to check on one of the kids. I said,“I just put them to bed, everyone’s fine. I took care of it all.” She sat there for a minute, and she said, “Would you go get me a Coke? I feel like I’m sick.” So I went into the kitchen, and heard a loud pop.It sounded like she had thrown something.I had a gun safe underneath the bed and she had taken out a pistol, stuck it in her mouth and pulled the trigger.She was on the bed. She was gone."


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I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things your way
I'm still learning how to pray
I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
And I'd do anything for us
I'm still learning how to trust

Chorus:
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend

I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

Chorus:
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend

I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'll be there till the end
I'm still learning how to bend

4 comments:

The Nicholsons said...

Oh my. GA's story just sent chills down my back. Holy crap! I knew his wife died but had no idea it happened the way it did. I love his songs. They really hit home. I feel the same as you. I feel as though the transition between wife and mom is so hard. You are doing a great job, Hailey! We all must learn how to bend. Great post!

Meredith said...

Thank you for that. I really needed it today. I am sitting in my office as we speak with tears rolling down my face and everyone thinks that I am a crazy person!

Dana said...

Wow, I knew she had died but had not idea it was like that. How can you leave your children and loved ones behind, I will never understand....

Jamie said...

wow that brings a whole new meaning to that song for me! And being a good mom, wife, friend, daughter, and sister all at the same time is VERY difficult but we can only do the best we can do ~ at least they all love us and understand we can't give 100% to everything all the time and the babies..well they will just always come first because they need us.