Sunday, April 5, 2009

The post where I lose tons of readers.

Thank you for all the great comments about our trip to the Bahamas.

I loved all of my dresses too. Most of them came from Old Navy. There are even about 4 more that you didn't even see. I love long dresses in warm summer weather.

Thank you for all the pick-me-ups about looking great. You all made me blush. A little secret though... cropping. You cut off what you don't want the world to see.

After I share my embarrassing story from our trip, I will share the uncropped photos so you will see that I cut out the bad and left the good. Haha!

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WARNING: This is a post about tee-tee. Move ahead with great caution.

It was a long day.

Riding in a car for an extended period of time will make you lose your mind.

We were on I-95 headed to North Carolina.

I-95 can so kiss my ass butt. What the hell is DOT thinking? Why would you have construction on a major interstate? Not only that, we were set back about an hour because of stupid road construction. We would stop and go, stop and go. Ugh!

We FINALLY pass South of the Border.

Welcome to North Carolina.

MORE CONSTRUCTION AHEAD.

Damnit Dang. Welcome home.

I hadn't tee-teed in 7 hours.

You people know what my bladder is like. I can't even sneeze without tee-teeing in my pants.

Well... 7 hours... my bladder was full. I'm talking F.U.L.L. I'm talking "if I stand up, I'm going to pee all over myself" full. I all but begged the father in law to pull over.

We are stuck in traffic.

The hubs was all... "HOLD IT Hailey."

I was all... "I can't. I'm not kidding people. I can't."

The hubs rolled his eyes.

"I'VE HAD TWO BABIES!" I screamed. "I CAN'T EVEN JUMP UP AND DOWN WITHOUT LEAKAGE!"

Men. They just don't get it.

The hubs said, "Five more miles until our next exit" as he punched buttons on his annoying GPS. I wanted to tell him to shove the GPS where the sun doesn't shine.

I think this is what sent me overboard. I all but lost it. "You know, I don't think you heard me. I can't hold it for 5 more minutes PLUS the time we will spend waiting in this construction."

No response from anyone.

"There are woods over there. I'm serious. Pull over."

I started sweating.

I moved around in the seat.

I held on to the "oh shit handle". Oh, you know the one. The handle that is on the spring thing above the backseat doors? Anyway... I held on to that so tight that my knuckles turned white.

"Ok. Seriously, is there a cup up there?"

The poor father in law began drinking his bottled Sunkist.

The hubs almost lost it this time. "No. No. No. She can hold it."

"Nope. I don't think I can aim and make it in that bottle and NOPE I can't hold it."

So, I did what I had to do.

I am about to publicly admit to it.

I climbed to the back. I opened up our ("our" meaning mine and Ryan's) empty cooler. I peed. In a cooler. Damnit. What has my life come to? Peeing in a cooler on I-95 with your mortified husband in the front seat with your father in law sitting beside him and your mother in law sitting in front of you laughing so hard she could have peed in her pants too. She also gave updates as to how long I peed. It was a total of 2 minutes and 56 seconds (or so it felt).

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

My mother-in-law says she is taking a cooler with us from now on. She said I made a great memory. I'm not so sure about "great".

The husband laughed it off in the end. He also tried to give the cooler to my dad the other night. I stopped him. "Here, Jay. I think this is your cooler." "No Dad! That's ours. You don't want it. The handle is broken." Husband=jerkface.
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Now... while I'm being fully honest... here are pictures to add to my embarrassment.

BEFORE:

Cellulite, gut, etc.

AFTER:

You're welcome. Now, you don't have to look at that beast of a girl in the blue bathing suit! Ha!

The truth is... from the top of the belly button and up... we are all good. From the top of the belly button down... we need some work.

Just being honest.

4 comments:

Kari said...

Oh. MY. GOODNESS. I was cracking up!! But only because I can totally relate. Wasn't it bad enough what we had to go through during pregnancy AND labor...you'd think our troubles would be over. NOPE. And, if I had never read your blog before this, I would be a reader for life because of this post. Wow. And, really, Hailey. You look fabulous! When you said all the negative stuff, I thought you were referring to the woman behind you!! ha!

Krystyn said...

Damn it...now I have to pee. That is freaking hilarious!

And, crop or no crop, you look good!

Jamie said...

Hailey you are CRAZY! But I don't blame you at all! I know there is no holding it when you are pregnant so I can't imagine AFTERWARDS!!!

Dana said...

You crack me up! I can so relate! This is coming from the girl that has been peeing on herself for the past three weeks, everytime I cough or laugh I pee. I lovvvve pregnancy! Once you have kids your bladder is never the same.