New you vs. Old you

Updated 9:00pm EST Sunday the 25th... added #20

I pulled out my pump today to dust it off for a friend who is going to borrow it.

It brought back a lot of memories (some not so pleasant) and I decided it was best if I share a list of things to expect after having a baby. No one prepared me for it. I, however, am nice so I will clue you in.

1. Don't act like you know what a contraction is. "Oh, I've been having contractions all day," women will say. No, you haven't. You will not be able to blink, breathe, or speak during a contraction much less carry on with your daily activities.

2. The actual pushing out of the baby is not terribly painful. It doesn't feel good but you are just so ready for it to be over you don't know if you are in pain anymore.

3. The placenta feels like a blob of jelly coming out. Prepare yourself. It is freaky. Prepare your husbands for this too. Ryan was not at all prepared. He didn't see it with Caroline he was too busy all up in the nurses grill wanting to touch his new baby. However, with Bug he was asked to remind the doctors of my satellite placenta. I had a little piece of placenta attached to the bigger piece. Anyway, Ryan reminded them and they invited him over to look at it. His response afterwards, "Yours was rotten." Excuse me? "Yours was gross. It was like a big blue/black blob of veins and shit. It was rotted." Haha! Men.

4. Breastfeeding is a bitch. I strictly breastfed Caroline for 6 weeks. No pumping. No bottle. Just boobs and more boobs. Don't do this to yourself. Put the baby to breast as much as possible but pump and bottle feed some too. A bottle never killed anyone.

5. Prepare yourself for the pain of milk. You will request that no one come within 15 feet of you. Lord forbid someone accidentally run into you. Also, the shower... you might need to wrap those suckers up. The water pressure is killer on those sensitive hoots.

6. This one is a biggie for me. I had just started breastfeeding and flipped out because milk was coming out of multiple holes. I NEVER KNEW! I just thought there was one hole. There are many. Prepare yourself. I thought I was some sort of alien mother with multiple milk holes.

7. If you need a Xanax, you need a Xanax. Here's what you do, if you are having a bad week, decide you are going to take one. Say you decide on Tuesday you need one. Pump as much as possible and breast feed too. Get your frozen milk supply up. Wednesday, take your Xanax and just pump and dump. Strictly bottle feed for 24 hours. I am no doctor but I know those first 2 weeks are hell on Earth and any normal human being needs some type of nerve medication. A little Xanax never hurt anyone.

8. Laying in the middle of the floor rocking back and forth crying... totally normal.

9. Knock down drag out fights between you and the sperm donor... totally normal.

10. Referring to your husband as "sperm donor"... totally normal.

11. Massive hair loss is normal.

12. Ginormous areolas are normal. The sperm donor referring to them as "Ethiopian nipples" in front of company... not normal (true story). You must kick his ass for this.

13. The baby will not sleep.

14. People will tell you to nap when the baby naps. It isn't going to happen. You will become use to the sleep deprivation over the next 4+ years.

15. You will say you need a break. When the time actually comes for your first date night, you will have a nervous breakdown. None of your clothes will fit and you will have massive anxiety about leaving your baby. It gets better but it is super terrible to begin with.

16. Breastfeeding makes you skinny but so does the stress of having a baby. "See, breastfeeding has made you lose that baby weight already!" No, I don't eat or sleep. I look like a crackhead that smells like spitup.

17. Formula spitup is MUCH worse than breast milk. It smells horrible!

18. Crying in the shower is wonderful. You are all alone for 5 seconds so let it out... just be sure to cover your sensitive boobs.

19. It is ok to cry over spilled milk ESPECIALLY if that milk is breast milk.

20. And how could I forget that fact that after having a baby you get to wear a huge maxi pad for a least 6 weeks (thank you Kelly for reminding me). However, those cotton panties that come in a bag that they give you at the hospital rock. I LOVELOVELOVE them. They are the most comfortable things you will ever put on your body. Yes, I still have 3 pairs in my underwear draw. I hide them at the back. (true story)

21. You will no longer have bladder control. I'm talking you will pee your pants when you sneeze, jump on a trampoline, or laugh too hard (thanks for the reminder Mira.) The sperm donor will become use to this and eventually except the fact that you pee your pants more than your toddler. He will just chuckle and shake his head every time it happens.

22. People will tell you, "Things will get back to normal soon. Things will get better soon." I'm going to be honest. You will never be normal again. That's what becoming a parent means. You will learn to be an awesome multi-tasker. You will be able to brush your toddler's teeth and feed your infant all while tee-teeing on the potty. You will learn to do things you never thought possible. You will learn to clean up vomit without even gaging. You will learn how to get crayon off of the wall and permanent mark off of your favorite shirt. You will learn how to still look cute with your hair in a ponytail. You will make a new normal. A parent normal. The normal you that you are use to... she's long gone. You will miss her sometimes then you will look around and realize how awesome your life is. The new you would kick the old you's ass.