Monday, January 5, 2009

Fairy tales and two pictures.

Fairy tales.

I'm over them.

Most of them are terrible stories.

Last night I decided to read Caroline a first pictures fairy tales book.

Stupid idea.

It just made me mad.

Let me start from the beginning.

My first semester at ECU, I had to read a lot of children's literature.

The Little Mermaid and Peter Pan were two on the long list of required reading.

Have you ever read The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen?

It's terrible.

It totally ruined the pictures that Disney put in my head.

This story was originally written for parents to read to their children to teach them to listen and be good little children.

Here what happens if you don't want to read the book...

The little mermaid (who has no name) gets to go to the surface when she turns 15. When she reaches the surface she sees a prince, falls in love, saves him from drowning, and wants to know more about humans. Her grandmother tells her that the " lifespan of merfolk is 300 years, but that when mermaids die they turn to sea foam and cease to exist, while humans have an eternal soul that lives on in Heaven."

This makes the little mermaid want to be human so that she can have an eternal soul.

She sales her voice to a sea witch who gives her legs in return.

"She will only get a soul if the prince loves her and marries her, for then a part of his soul will flow into her. Otherwise, at dawn on the first day after he marries another woman, the Little Mermaid will die brokenhearted and turn to sea foam."

The prince almost falls in love with her but falls in love with someone else instead.

(That's a stupid prince for you.)

Fast-forward some...

The little mermaid's sisters come to her with a knife.

If she kills the prince she can turn back into a mermaid and live out the rest of her merlife.

She can't do it.

She turns into sea foam.

AKA... daughters of the air.

To make this long story a little shorter...

The daughters of the air eventually get to go to Heaven after living out a 300 year "probation" period.

They fly into homes of children. However, the book says... "for every day on which we find a good child, who is the joy of his parents and deserves their love, our time of probation is shortened. The child does not know, when we fly through the room, that we smile with joy at his good conduct, for we can count one year less of our three hundred years. But when we see a naughty or a wicked child, we shed tears of sorrow, and for every tear a day is added to our time of trial!"

Are you kidding?


NO HEAVEN for AT LEAST 300 years of living as sea foam?!

You have GOT to be kidding me.

I told you... it is TERRIBLE.

As for Peter Pan... I will not get into the whole story... I have bigger fish to fry...

Let's just say Tinkerbell is a sicksick fairy.

You heard me.


Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie.

It's terrible too.


Read it.

Find out about Tink.

Ok so back to reading to Caroline.

First Picture Fairytales.

First story... Cinderella.

I found nothing wrong with the story other than an evil stepmother making her stepdaughter cleaning, cook, wear rags, etc.

I haven't read the "real" story though.

I'm sure it's awful.

Second story... Little Red Riding Hood.


How did I forget that the big, bad wolf gobbled Granny up?

How did I forget that the big, bad wolf gobbled Little Red Riding Hood up?

How did I forget that a woodcutter cut the wolf open to save the two?

Do you know how they ended the story??

"Thanks for saving us!" they said. "Do you want some cake?"


Is that a joke?

Who writes this crap?

I can only imagine what the "real' story is like.

Story three... Rapunzel.

A poor man steals lettuce from a witch's garden for his poor pregnant wife.

The witch demands the baby.

Locks her in a tower on her 12th birthday.

Happy birthday to you!!

What a witch!

Why did this not scar me as a child?


Fourth story... Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Stupid Goldilocks.

Who just walks into a house and eats someones food, breaks their chair, and sleeps in their bed?

"Goldilock's woke up and saw three angry bears standing over her."

Really... you think?


I would be too!

"She screamed, ran out of the house, and never came back again."

Why was she there in the first place????

Fifth story... Hansel and Gretel.

I couldn't even read this one to Caroline.

I had to read it silently.

Hansel and Gretel's stepmother said, "There isn't enough food for us all, so Hansel and Gretel will have to go!"

Do you know what the father does?

He "led them sadly into the forest and left them under a tree."

Be serious!

I wish my parents WOULD leave me under a tree.

On top of that... they meet a witch who wants to cook them.

They push her in the oven instead.

Fun times.

Then they find their father.

Their stepmother leaves.

They live happily ever after.

Did you ever think that if the father had kicked out the crazy woman to begin with that there would be no story?

That would have been great.

Sixth Story... Jack and the Beanstalk.

I didn't find much wrong with this short story.

Other than... Jack's family send HIM to the market to sale a cow because they are poor.

How old is Jack?

I'm hoping he is old enough to go out and sale cows.

Seventh Story... The Princess and the Pea

The prince HAD to marry a REAL princess.

Did you know that a REAL princess can feel a stupid pea through ten mattresses?

I guess Diana wasn't a real princess because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't feel a pea through ten mattresses.

Eighth and final story... Sleeping Beauty

She pricks her finger.

Fun fun!

Caroline couldn't get past the princess getting hurt.

She then goes into a deep sleep.

Suddenly a prince just so happens to stop by and kiss her.

Who does that?

Who walks upon a sleeping person and just bends down to kiss them?

Be serious.

That is something to teach our children.

Kiss random people.

Why not though??

Tinkerbell has orgies with her fairy friends.


Sorry for the damper I put on all of your beloved fairy tales.

I just had to get it off of my chest.

I am also done reading "real" fairy tales.

After The Little Mermaid and Peter Pan... I'M DONE!



Please come back by.

I promise my next post will be about my children.


Kari said...

Oh my!! That is awful! What people wrote and got away with those days!! WOW! It's sad. I like the Disney version. WAYYY better!

Haley Nicodemus said...

Sick sick Fairy - hahahahahahaha! I have got to read about Tink and her make me laugh!!

Love the recaps and they are, indeed, quite disturbing!