Thursday, August 26, 2010

Tips, Info, Hints

Being a mom is a big deal. It is a hard job.

I don't know all of the answers but I can tell you all of the things I've done wrong. In other words, I can tell you what NOT to do.

Here are a list of tips/information/hints for this thing called motherhood... and life in general.

1. Green eye goo does not always mean something bad.

2. If your child falls off of the bed, couch or any other high object... they will be fine. As long as nothing is coming out of the soft spot on their head.

3. It is also good luck for a baby to fall off of the bed before they are a year old. Mine just so happened to fall off multiple times before a year old.

4. Pepsi in a sippy cup is ok.

5. You can use the vacuum to get your kids quiet for a minute. It is not harsh punishment.

6. Take all magnets off of your refrigerator. Your children will break them all and try to eat magnets. Magnets are not edible.

7. Do not wash your toddlers mouth out with coco butter body wash. They will like it.

8. Do not put a drop of hot sauce on their tongue when they say "shit". They will vomit and then you will be saying "shit".

9. Tampons in cardboard applicators are only good for applying eye shadow. Otherwise, they should not be made.

10. You can brush spitup and snot out of your hair.

11. Baby wipes can clean anything.

12. Go to your kitchen right now. Get your tin foil and plastic wrap. Did you do it? Do you have them in your hands? Look on the side. There is a little triangle cutout that you can push in. Push it in... on both sides... on both boxes. Never again will your whole roll come out of the box. This locks it in there. The little locks are even on the cheap tin foil and plastic wrap. You are welcome, friends.

13. Dilated pupils mean that the black of the eye is HUGE. I'm talking it takes up most of the color part of the eyeball. You will need to know this in case your toddler falls, busts her head on the cement, and is acting strangely.

14. Dirt comes off. It's ok for children to get dirty.

15. Ticks like to bite the back of the ears. No, it is not a freckle that you see. It is a tick. Immediately remove said tick and watch your child for 7 days for high fever and rash.

16. Dish washing tablets are NOT pepperonis. You may need to tell your toddler this. No, they do not look like pepperonis. I guess it was the red Dawn in the tablet that threw her off. If she eats the tablet, be sure to save what she didn't eat and that there is no plastic in her mouth. Watch her through the night.

17. All random sicknesses are viral. There is nothing the doctor can do for you. Drink lots of fluids.

18. Children will cut their hair at least once in their life. It's ok. It grows back and makes for good conversation while waiting in line at the grocery store.

19. When handing a child a juice box, go ahead and place the straw in their mouth. They will squeeze the juice box and this tip will save you from cleaning up juice box.

20. When starting solids, feed green peas first. If you can get them to like peas, they will eat anything.

21. The doctor is not always right and neither are you.

22. It is hard, and I still have not mastered this but... don't sweat the small stuff.

23. Crying in the shower, crying in the floor, crying... is ok... period. You deserve a good cry as often as you need it.

24. You will never sleep again. Give it up.

25. One day you will become use to being tired. You will learn to run on fumes. I'm almost always on empty.

26. It's ok to admit that you are breastfeeding to lose weight.

27. You haded bread crust as a child... as a mother you make them your meal.

That's all I've got for now. I'm sure I will be adding to the list.
What would you like to add?


Midwest Mommy said...

Yes, I have spent many co-pays to find out green goop in the eye is not an infection but just allergies.

Jamie said...

HAHAH I love the hot sauce one and amen on those cardboard tampons! I have alot of learning to do but I'm guessing it doesn't get easier hahah!

Ashley said...

How about, no matter how much you do and sacrifice for them, they will still worship da-da, because you're the mean one!