Ranting

So my Nana LOVES as seen on TV stuff.

Loves it.

She orders everything.

And she dials the 1-800 number to do it.

So, when she saw the Dream Lite Pillow Pets, she wanted to order them for the girls for their birthdays.

Of course, my girls had seen them on a commerical and were DYING to have one.

We patiently waited for the commercial.  Why I just didn't google it is beyond me.  It finally came on and I scrambled for a pen.  If I don't write stuff down, I forget it.

I called Nana and said, " Ok, I have the website for those night light things from the TV."

"Well, did you get the number?"

"Nan, you can order them online.  I even have a 25% off code."

"Well, you are going to have to come over here and do it.  I don't know how to do that."

On her behalf, she is usually pretty technologically sound.  I am not sure why ordering things online sends here into orbit.

I drove over to her house and ordered the Dream Lites.

Little did I know that 16 days later, we would still not have the stupid things.

Nana called the same day and ordered American Girl dolls (remember she doesn't order online).  They were here in 7 days.

Order by phone... get your items in a timely manner.

Order by web... wait for a person to walk it across the country to you.

I was thinking about those stupid pillows today.

I cursed the US mail and their slow asses.

Then, I realized it wasn't totally their fault.

I have just been hitting the tracking number.  I haven't noticed this (pictured below) right above it....

It took those people 10 days to ship these stupid pillows out.

TEN DAYS!

I guess they had to make and glue all of that synthetic fur piece by little piece.

TEN FREAKING DAYS...

That is how long it took them to go into a warehouse, pick up TWO Dream Lites and place them in a box.

TEN DAYS to put two pillows in a box.

It is NOT that serious, y'all.

I should have known I was dealing with nuts.

Clearly, they use the word "Lite" instead of "light".

I am sure when they come in... IF THEY EVER COME IN... batteries will NOT be included which will send me over the top.

Thanks a lot TV.  Thanks a lot!

Bending. {It's about to get deep}

~NOTE: I am writing this at the risk of making it sound like I am super unhappy with my life. That is definitely NOT the case. I am proud of everything that I am and everything I have become. However, I had to learn how to bend. Not everything is going to happen exactly as you want it to. For that reason, you must learn how to bend.

I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

The other day in the car, I was listening to "Learning How to Bend" by Gary Allan. It is a song that will bring you to your knees when you listen to it.

The story behind that song... and the whole album... is more than life-changing. {I'll explain later.}

So, this song got me thinking.

As a mother I am learning how to bend. Even after three years and two babies.

As a mother, nothing ever happens the way you planned for it to happen. Nothing goes the way you want it to go.

Everyday is a challenge. I am still learning how to bend.

Nothing goes as planned. I am still learning how to bend.

Caroline never wears what I want her to wear. I am still learning how to bend.

Emma doesn't cooperate with I'm trying to get something done. I'm still learning how to bend.

I wanted Caroline to be able to swim by now. I am still learning how to bend.

I want Emma to be doing all of the things one year olds are doing. This was a big thing for me with Caroline. I thrived on the fact that she did everything a one year old was suppose to do way before she was a year old. With Emma it has been more difficult. She will be a year old on Saturday. However, she will only really be 10 months since she was born at 32 weeks. She is not far from walking and she is talking great. It's just different than Caroline. I am still learning how to bend.

The song applies to my role as a wife.

I can't stand the way Ryan brushes his teeth. I am still learning how to bend.

I wish that we communicated better. I am still learning how to bend.

The song then applies to my whole life in general.

It is hard to balance all aspects of my life sometimes. Meaning, sometimes it is hard to be the best mother, wife and friend all at the same time. I am still learning how to bend.

I still have two giftcards sitting on my desk that need to be sent to a giveaway winner. Hello? Late much? I use to ALWAYS be on time. I am still learning how to bend.

I have all these goals that I want to reach, that are just sitting here staring back at me. I am still learning how to bend.

Bending. Molding. Shaping. Making me a better person. It is always God's plan. Not ours. We are all bending. All of the time.

Shaping.

Molding.

Bending.

I am still learning how to bend. Bending so that I see that there are bigger problems in the world. Bending so that I see that my life isn't so chaotic and crazy. Bending so that I see that I am the best wife, mother, and friend that I can be even when I feel like I'm not.

In what ways are you still learning how to bend?

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{Super sad meaning behind Gary Allan's album. Again, this makes my rants look super small in comparison. It's weird how someone's loss makes you realize all that you have in life.}

On October 25, 2001 Gary's wife committed suicide.

"When we moved, Angela had a lot of allergies and the allergies would trigger migraines. Her migraines were so bad that she would black out and have to go lie down. She was depressed, but because the depression seemed to start with the migraines, she never really got properly treated for the depression. She got treated for the migraines.
The night she died she was physically sick, throwing up. I had been on the road and I had just come home. There was a Halloween party we were all going to, and I asked her if she wanted me to stay home with her. She was like, “No,
the kids have been looking forward to this party, take them.” After the party,I got all the kids tucked in bed and was watching TV. It was about 12 o’clock at night, and she came over and sort of hassled me about what I was watching.Then after she walked away I thought, “Wow, that was way out of character.” She just made no sense.
I turned off the TV and went into the bedroom. I wanted to be close to her in case she needed something. She asked me to check on one of the kids. I said,“I just put them to bed, everyone’s fine. I took care of it all.” She sat there for a minute, and she said, “Would you go get me a Coke? I feel like I’m sick.” So I went into the kitchen, and heard a loud pop.It sounded like she had thrown something.I had a gun safe underneath the bed and she had taken out a pistol, stuck it in her mouth and pulled the trigger.She was on the bed. She was gone."

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I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things your way
I'm still learning how to pray
I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
And I'd do anything for us
I'm still learning how to trust

Chorus:
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend

I'm just trying to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

Chorus:
I'm still learning how to bend
How to let you in
In a world full of tears
We'll conquer all our fears
I'm still learning how to fly
I wanna take you higher
I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend

I'll be there till the end
I'll be your lover and your friend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'm still learning how to bend
I'll be there till the end
I'm still learning how to bend

And in celebrity news...

McMommy totally got me on this subject and now I can't stop thinking about it.
-----------------------------------------

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden just had their baby on the 9th.

Congrats to them.

I was really hoping for a good name from them.

I love Harlow's name. It is a bit overboard with the two middle names but I can deal. Harlow Winter Kate Madden. Cute, no?

Then they announced their baby boy's name. I threw up in my mouth a little.

Sparrow James Midnight Madden.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Everyone is all "I hate the name Sparrow. That is terrible."

Clearly, Sparrow isn't the only terrible part of this name.

I am not under estimating the terrible-ness of Sparrow. Here are my points.

Number one, he has 2 middle names. WTH? Why is this such a trend in celebs? Heck, why is this such a trend with the Madden's!? Calm your nervous system and pick ONE first name and ONE middle name like the majority of people in the world.

Number two, one of said middle names is Midnight. The name Midnight reminds me of a cat. If you are going to pick two middle names, pick good ones.

Number three, why did they throw the name James in there like it fit? I mean really? Where did that normal name come from? I can imagine talk around the dinner table of baby names. "How about Pussywillow? What about Leaf? Oh, I know. What about Saffron? How about Peacock? Fluffy? Hey, what about James? It really has a ring to it." Be serious people. James is a great name that totally doesn't fit in that nightmare of a name.

I can't quit thinking about it. Together now... Sparrow James Midnight Madden.

Totally sounds like a pornstar name to me. What? I'm just sayin'.

I think I was just messed up.

She's making it seem so easy.

My best friend that is. She is at home with a 9 day old newborn. She is breastfeeding. She has her stuff somewhat together. She hasn't called me crying once.

I don't wish stress on her but what the heck? Why were those first two weeks with my first newborn so hard?

Am I the only one that prayed for those first two weeks of newborn hell to be over?

Am I the only one that wanted to just shove that kid right back up my vagina and go about my merry way?

Am I the only one that cried when my boobs leaked?

Am I the only one that cried when I spilled milk as I was pumping?

Am I the only one that thought the world had ended when I lost my beloved nipple shield? I'm talking Ryan and I were on our hands and knees searching every inch of the living room.

Am I the only one that was so sleep deprived that at one point I probably couldn't tell you my name?

Am I the only one that put my newborn in the bed with me because it was the only way that any of us could get any sleep?

Am I the only one that would put their infant in the carseat and placed the vacuum right beside them to make her STOP CRYING FOR TWO SECONDS?

Am I the only one that googled "Is it ok that newborn infant sneezes?"? Seriously. I was a google freak. I still am.

Am I the only one that saved poopy diapers for my Mom to inspect to make sure they were the right color and consistency? (To my defense, my Mom is a newborn nursery nurse. She deals with baby poop everyday.)

Am I the only one that cried when I gave my child her first bottle of Enfamil at 6-weeks? Before that, I strictly breast fed and used breast milk to mix her cereal.

Am I the only one that felt as if I lost my mind in those two weeks? {3 years later, I wonder if I will ever be normal again.}

Am I the only one that got happy medicine when baby number two came?

Please tell me that I am not insane. {Even if you really think that I am}

As for the BFF? She is packing up and heading to the beach with the baby. By herself. Where did I go wrong, people?

Jerkfaces unite.

A can of Pepsi fell over into the passenger seat this morning.

"Clean that up as soon as we get home," I told myself.

Yeah, well... I forgot. I just remembered about 2 minutes ago.

I sat in the Pepsi 4 hours ago. 4 HOURS AGO!

In white shorts.

Jerkface Ryan bounces down the stairs, "You have something on your ass butt."

"What? Where? What is it?"

"Something. On your ass butt. Your shorts are really dirty."

"I mean can you point to it for me. Where? Where the hell is it?"

Points to the air. "Right there."

"JUST SHOW ME! I DON'T SEE IT."

Because I was totally looking on the wrong butt cheek.

He finally points to the actual spot on my actual butt.

"OH MY GOD! WHY?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

"Well, you know... umm, I saw it at the church and thought that it was too late. There was nothing you could do about it then so I just didn't say anything."

"Why wouldn't you just tell me? I could have made sure my shirt was pulled down over it at least."

Shrugs his shoulders.

The worst part, we went out to lunch afterwards. I am assuming that my Mom and Nana saw it on my butt too and just failed to tell me. I mean come on people help a sister out!

So, if you saw a crazy girl with two children and a husband who lives in lala land out and about today (at a preschool program- walking to the front of the church to take pictures) (at a local dark pizza place walking around fixing salads) with Pepsi on her ass butt, ignore her. She was flustered and had no idea that there was anything on her. Her husband who lives in lala land thought it was "too late" to tell her. Jerkface.

Rants.

Dear Taco Bell,

You are my favorite fast food. Oh, how I love your fountain Mt. Dew. There is nothing like it. It makes my mouth water just thinking about it. Caroline insists on eating your food at least once a week. This is where my problem with you is. Here in my town, your drive-thru ALWAYS has a long line. ALWAYS. The past two times that I have been to you, I have waited for at least 15 minutes to order and get my food. This can't happen when you have two screaming children in the back. One is screaming, "GO MOMMMY! GO! GET MY FOOD!! GET MY FOOD!!!" The other is a screaming infant that is ready to eat but can't because her mama is sitting in a drive-thru. So, my dear Taco Bell, could you speed it up a little? If you can't, could you at least make a way to GET OUT of the line. Here in town, once your in the Taco Bell drive-thru line... there's no way out. It is kind of scary when you think about it. That is all for now.

Sincerely,
Your biggest Mt. Dew fan, Hailey



Dear lady in front of me in the Taco Bell drive-thru,

WHAT are you doing? Please explain to me why, after waiting for 16 minutes, you INSIST on sipping each drink you ordered to see if it is right? Why must you give two drinks back? Is it THAT serious of a situation? You haven't even gotten your food yet lady! That's when it happened. Your food came. I sat and watched you go through your two bags of food. Just a FYI, if you are going to order THAT much food and you are going to be THAT picky... don't go through the drive-thru OR don't eat fast food at all. They screw it up EVERY time. You just learn to deal. You see, I know that you know what it is like to go through a drive-thru with children because I see your stick people stickers on the back of your Kia indicating that you, yourself, have two children. So then why, I ask, did you EVEN go through the drive-thru being alone today? Why didn't you get out and go inside? If I didn't have to lug 2 children in, I would have. It is by far to quickest way to obtain your food at a place such as Taco Bell. What I'm trying to say in a semi-nice way is... GO INSIDE NEXT TIME. If you don't, I might seriously put my two screaming children along with myself (who, by the way, WILL be screaming too) in the backseat of your car. So, choose wisely. Just a FYI. K?

Sincerely,
The concerned driver behind your slow ass butt with two screaming children that MAY or MAY NOT be secretly flipping you the DOUBLE bird



Dear Taco Bell drive-thru window lady,

I'm sorry that I do not know your title. Therefore, I will just call you the "Taco Bell drive-thru window lady". You told me the amount I owed. During the 17 minutes I sat waiting... I counted out the correct change. I handed you the correct 56 cents. You dropped my quarter. I didn't mean to say shit. It slipped. It really did. You know, I was a little baffled and when you are baffled... words slip. I just needed my kid's food. You laughed and asked how much you dropped. I told you that you dropped a quarter. You stared and waited. What did you want me to do? You still stared and waited. Finally, I decided you wanted the quarter. So, I find my change bag and give you the 25 cents that YOU dropped. After I did, you said, "I could have gone out there later and gotten your quarter for you." So Taco Bell drive-thru window lady, why did you sit and stare at me as if you wanted the 25 cents? There is NO way in the world that I could have even OPEN my door to GET the quarter I dropped in your death-trap of a drive-thru. Anyway, I guess I'm writing to say don't drop my money again. Oh... and don't stare at me... weirdo.

Sincerely,
Lady with screaming children that accidentally said shit



Dear teenage girl that is probably skipping school to eat at Taco Bell,

Don't hop out of your convertible and run up to the Taco Bell door like you are 5. You see, I would have never even noticed this going on but then I saw it. YOU made your poor little boyfriend walk into Taco Bell with YOUR Vera Bradley pocketbook. Seriously?! I wanted to hit you in the face. Why would you do that to your poor boyfriend? Idiot.

PS- What is the deal with the three pairs of flip flop stickers you have in your back window? I don't get them. The crazy drive-thru Kia lady had two flip flop stickers too. Weird.

PPS- Thank you for at least going inside to get your food. This helps the other parents in the drive-thru that don't have the option of going inside.

Sincerely,
Crazy lady in the parking lot fixing tacos for her screaming two year old in the back seat while blasting the Drip Drop song just to have something to listen to other than screaming children