Email and prayer

Oh, the conversations we have with our 5 year old...

Hailey: "Caroline, I'm pretty sure you did that on purpose and that is NOT nice!"

Caroline: "I'm pretty sure I didn't do it on purpose!" *eye roll*

Hailey: "Well, I think you did and I think you know that you did it on purpose too."

Caroline: "You need to email Jesus.  I'm serious.  You need to email him.  Yep, because he will tell you that I didn't do it on PURPOSE!"

Hailey:  "I'm pretty sure Jesus doesn't have an email."

Caroline: "WELL, YOU NEED TO PRAY THEN!  START PRAYING!!"  *eye roll*

HOLLA

I am sure from the outside looking in, my family can be comical at times.

After fights when I think the world has ended (I am not at all dramatic), I sit down and think back. To be honest, most of the time laugh out loud at my life.

Just the other day, I was talking to the girls.

I don't even remember the conversation but Caroline was excited about what we had talked about.

I turned to walk to the back of the house and all of a sudden I hear, "HOLLA!"

Excuse me?

Now, I will admit to using the word "holler" after a statement I agree with. More Southern than ghetto fabulous. "Don't cook tonight. Let's order pizza." I would respond with "holler!"

But from my 5 year old?

Your 5 year old is a math prodigy, you say?

Well, my 5 year old now uses the word "Holla".

Boo! In yo face!

Welcome to the real world.

Caroline Conversations.

"Caroline, say the blessing before we eat."

Caroline stuffs pizza in her mouth as hard as she can go.

"Caroline, let's say the blessing!"

"I can't. I too hungry."

Let's just say we giggled through "God is great, God is good..."
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A fox got hit by a car in front of the beach house. We took a field trip to the end of the driveway to see it.

Afterwards, we called the town to come get him off of the road. They came. Caroline was upset that the fox was no longer there.

"Where did the fox go?" she asked.

"Well, they came and got him off of the road."

That was not good enough. A million more questions followed.

Finally I said, "Caroline. Jesus came and got the fox. He is in Heaven now. Right? Jesus came and got the fox."

Her response? "No, a dump truck came and got him."

Tennis and soccer.

Caroline has a new favorite sport

In the past few days she has decided she would like to take up tennis as a hobby.

Why you ask? Because her dad likes watching women's tennis... especially Caroline Wozniacki.


He says... and I quote..."It is much more interesting than men's tennis. The men just hit it back and forth."

Ok. Just admit that you like watching in-shape girls bouncing around a tennis court in a short skirt. I'm totally ok with that. Don't lie though. Tennis is tennis. FYI: Men AND women hit it back and forth. Duh!

Anyway, back to Caroline. Lafone not Wozniacki.

I told her to come lay down in our bed in hopes that she would go to sleep quickly.

I turned the TV on and of course it was on ESPN {Why are men addicted to this station?}

Caroline Wozniacki was playing some Kim girl.

Caroline {Lafone} was so excited.

"That Caroline. Like me. Caroline." she says as she pats her chest in a very proud way.

"Which one is she?" I asked.

Caroline gets up out of the bed so that she can touch the TV to point to her. "Right there, Mom. That Caroline like me." She totally rolled her eyes while saying this as if I was crazy for not knowing who Caroline was.

"Well who is the other girl?" I asked.

"I don't know," she replied.

"Her name is Kim." No, I didn't really know it. I had heard the announcer say her name.

"Like Papa. Ken, like Papa."

"No Caroline, not like Papa. Papa's name is KeNNNNN not KiMMMMMM."

"Uh-huh. But that Caroline like me!"

Her dad has totally brain-washed her.

That's ok. When does soccer season start? We will be watching every game David Beckham plays. You know, because men's soccer is much more interesting than women's because the women just kick the ball around.

BUTTer beans.

Butter beans are one of our favorite sides. Mix them with a little corn and you have our favorite side dish in the world. We are easy and simple like that.

Last night, I was opening up a can of butter beans. These were different than normal. They had a little vidalia onion mixed with them.

Caroline was helping me cook dinner, of course. As I began to open the can of beans, I immediately noticed how awful they smelled.

Caroline began sniffing the air.

She paused.

She sniffed her arm.

She paused.

She sniffed my arm.

"Mom!" she exclaimed. "I smell you butt."

I could not contain my laughter.

I explained (through my giggles) that it was the butter beans that smelled terrible.

She sniffed and agreed it was the butter beans.

Later, she told Ryan, "Dose butter beans smell like Mommy stinky butt."

Note to self: NEVER buy those BUTTer beans again.
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Check my recipe blog for a great chicken dish I cooked last night. It was super easy and very good!

Caroline AND Anna conversations.

Caroline calls my best friend, Jordan, "Boobie". We don't know why. She just does.
"Boobie" is preggo and she and Caroline were having a talk the other night.

Jordan: "Caroline, are you ready to meet Boobie's baby?"
Caroline: "Yes."
Jordan: "What's her name going to be?"
Caroline: Thinks. "Boobie, why you have a vagina?"
Laughter.
Jordan: "Because, girls have vaginas and boys have... penises.
Caroline: "PENIS!"
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My sister is starting college in a few weeks. We were talking about the whole college experience the other day.

Anna: "You know, I am suppose to read this book as summer reading. Do you think I should read it? I don't think that I am. Do you know what? They expect me to BUY the book! Can you believe that?"
Hailey: "Anna, this isn't elementary school. Your teacher doesn't pass out your books on the first day. You have to buy all of them."
Anna: "Oh."

Caroline conversations.

"Caroline, you cannot hit your sister. She is little and you are big. It hurts her."

"But I don't like her. I want her to go back to the hospital."
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This conversation went on at the beach last weekend. I will not include names because it is kind of embarrassing.

"Dad, I am going to throw that shirt away. It is TERRIBLE! Those flowers look like tiny penises."

"I cannot believe you just said that."

Conversation shifted.

"Caroline, what do you want for your birthday?"

"Penises" she replied.

Fabulous word to teach a 3 year old, people. Thanks. Maybe she will go to church talking about penises, damn ass, and bull ship.
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On the way home from Beaufort, Emma was having a break down. She was hot and tired. She was ready to get out of her carseat. So, she screamed.

Then we hear a sweet little voice say...

"Emma, it's ok. I know. Mommy's mean. She's mean to me too. I know, Emma. It's ok."

Thanks for making me sound like an abusive parent, Caroline. Thanks a lot.

Caroline conversation #187956

C: "Mommy, look. Me shave my legs."

Me: "You WHAT? Come here! Let me see!"

I bend down to rub her legs. Smoother than a baby's bottom but they always have been. Did she really shave? We will never know.

After rubbing her legs, I have some sort of white powder substance on my hands.

Me: "What is this?"

C: "Huh?"

Me: "This white stuff. What is it?"

C: "It Daddy armpit soap."

She totally meant deodorant.

Yes, she had deodorant all over her legs. At least she smelled fresh (like Daddy's armpit soap).

PS- Yes, I have hidden the razors in a better spot. She will never find them now. Neither will Ryan when he goes to shave tomorrow. He will flip out when he can't find it. He says that I hide his stuff on purpose. Tomorrow, he will be right.

PPS- After close examination of the razors, I don't think she actually used them. Clearly, there was deodorant all over my bathroom though. Keep in mind... this all happen in about a 3 minute period of time.

Ants.

It never fails... in the summer our house is attacked by ants. Goodness, I hate them. They gather in my kitchen sink most of time. We have decided they are looking for water. Anyway, today I had this conversation with Caroline.

"Mommy. Me find ants in da bafroom."

"Oh man. Let me go kill them."

"Me kill dem."

"What? You killed them? How?"

"Wif Daddy toof brush."

Ha! That's what you get for leaving the toilet seat up the other day! Pay back, Daddy. It's called pay.back.

Long road ahead.

"Caroline stop."

"Caroline, don't scream."

"Caroline, I am going to count to three."

"Caroline, this is your warning."

"Caroline, don't pull your sister."

"Caroline, just leave Em alone!"

"Caroline, we are not going outside right now. STOP ASKING!"

Then she says, "Me not like you anymore."

We have a long 15 years ahead of us then, chick.

We have a pet pig... you just never knew it.

Last night I let Caroline lay in the bed with me.

We were watching Charlotte's Web to help us go to sleep.

Caroline leaned over and whispered, "I love you, Mommy."

Melt my heart into a million pieces.

Then she ended the conversation by telling me NOT to tell her Daddy. WHAT!

She also asked for a pig. A black one. She wanted him to live in her house.

I told her we had a pig. She looked at me funny. I told her that his name was Daddy.

Time passes (on a Dora watch).

Getting three people ready to leave the house is terrible. Throw Ryan in the mix and it is AWFUL!

I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to pack bags, fix hair, brush teeth.

It is chaotic (for lack of a better word).

The other day while I am getting everything ready to leave to go to dinner, Caroline insists that I let her wear a Dora watch that she got almost a year ago for learning how to teetee in the potty. Charater decor is not my favorite as you probably know.

I put the watch on her anyway and went about my merry way.

Time passed.

I was almost ready.

Caroline opened the door, looked at her watch and said, "Mommy! Me been waiting for free minutes. Let's go!"

She obviously is her father's child. She hates to wait.

Caroline's DWTS Conversation.

Dancing with the Stars came on last night.

Me: "Caroline! The dancing show is on!"

Caroline: "ME COMING!"

We dance around the leaving room kicking our leg to our nose and other silly moves.

C: "Me love dis!"

M: "Show me your dance moves."

Caroline dances like her father a maniac. During her kick flip karate chop move she suddenly stops to stare at the TV.

C: "Woah! Me see her boobies!"

Jesus' side job.

Did you know Jesus had a side job? Well, according to Caroline he does.

Laying in bed... bedtime... storming outside.

H: "We have to be still and be quiet because Jesus is working."

C: Ponders this for a moment. "Jesus working?"

H: "Yep. He is making it rain so that the grass and flowers and tomatoes will grow."

C: Thinks a little more.

H: "Hear the thunder? He is doing that too. See this lightning? He is doing that too!"

C: Still thinking. "Jesus on the computer?"

H: "Maybe."

That's all I had. I didn't know how to answer. So, in case you were ever wondering about what else Jesus does... Jesus works on the computer.

We fight over stupid stuff and SHE wins.

We fought.

Then she did it.

She looked at me. Rolled her eyes. She said, "Woser," under her breath.

We all know that she meant "LOSER".

She is TWO (almost three) and is already calling me a loser. My guess is that she has heard me call her father this name before... so don't ask me where she learned the word.

Now, I am just waiting for her to add the ridiculous hand gesture (a L made with your thumb and pointer finger) that sits on her forehead.

Dear God, please watch over me. I think I am in for a wild ride.

Naptime sucks.

Trying to get Caroline down for a nap is a nightmare.

A.Freaking.Nightmare.

I would rather pull my hair out, have a root canal, eat raw chicken, or cut my arm off.

It is that terrible.

She kicks.

She screams.

She pulls my hair.

She hits.

She eventually gives up.

She gives in to sleep.

She's pissed about it though. She can't even rest well because she is so pissed that she is asleep.

BUT, thank goodness (for me) she is asleep. Peace at last.

Yesterday (in the middle of her screaming spell while trying to go down for a nap) she all of a sudden stopped screaming.

I thought it was a miracle. I started thanking God.

"Thank you God for being on my side today. It..."

She looked at me with a very serious face and eyes. She said, "Mannnnnnnnn! My cell phone ringing."

"Ok back up homegirl. You are two. You don't have a cell phone so... you don't hear one ringing."

"Uh-huh! Me do have cell phone. Hear it? Shh! Hear it?"

"No. I don't hear it. Lay down!"

"It's ringing! Me need to talk!" She screamed this. Do this one in your best two year old screaming voice.

Well, let's just say she went all Linda Blair/Exorcist on me.

The next 15 minutes were so much fun that afterwards I decided to rip my eyeballs out.

We have a stripper on our hands.

Me: "Caroline, what do you want to wear to school today?"

Caroline: "I don't know."

Sips on her orange juice.

Caroline: "Me want to go naked."

And we wonder what she is going to be when she grows up. As of now, all signs are pointing to stripper/nudist. Fabulous.

At least she knows how.

Caroline.

Sweet Caroline.

I waited for the day that I could count. Meaning... I waited for the day that I could look at my child and begin that count to three. You know the one. Your mama would start counting and by "2" you had straightened up.

My day came.

"Caroline. I am going to count to 3 and you better come to me!" She was trying to run away from me when we were outside.

It worked.

It worked about 5 times.

My days of counting came. My days of counting went.

Now, I look at her and say, "ONE!"

She says, "TWOOOOOOO! FREE!"

Damnit.

Oh well... at least she knows how to count.

Wants vs. Needs.

Caroline: "Oh man, Mommy! Me need that!" Upon seeing the swing set they built across the street.

Caroline: "Me NEED THAT!" she said when she saw a great pair of shoes I was eyeing on the internet.

Caroline: "Me need a dog, Mommy." Dear Jesus. Because that is EXACTLY what I need to add to the chaos in my life.

Caroline: "DADDY! ME NEED A DOG!!"

We clearly need to have a discussion on wants versus needs. Would you say it is too early for that discussion? Ha!

However, while we are at it...

I need a pair of Louboutins.

I need 53.4 million dollars.

I need stick straight hair.

I need smaller hips.

I need a maid.

There are many more needs but I'm sure you get the picture.

We're waiting for the day that she says it to the preacher.

Caroline: "Oh, shit."

Ryan: "What is it, Big?" Ry calls her "Big" or "The Big".

Caroline: "Me left my sunglasses."

Hailey: "No you didn't, Caroline. They are on your face!"