Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Threshold of hell

I think I have found a way to make money without doing a thing.

My family is going to be the poster family for birth control.

Call and make your appointment today. Send your teenager over to sit and watch my every day life.

Shit is ridiculous.

This morning would have been the perfect day for an onlooker.

Emma woke me up at 6:45 screaming "MOMMY" at the top of her lungs. Not so cute when you didn't go to bed until 12:30am.

Caroline was up a 7:15.

I fed them french toast sticks for breakfast. They requested to eat in the den in front of Nick Jr. I prepared myself for syrup spillage. Much to my surprise, we made it through breakfast with no accidents.

Emma decided she didn't want a diaper. She wanted to "teetee potty". Have at it little lady. Pee in that pot. I'm over changing your diaper anyway.

By 8:15am we had been to the potty 5 times. Potty training rocks.

Daddy came home. The nuggets almost pee there pants when he walks in the door. What? You didn't the memo? The sun rises and sets in his ass.

Daddy fixes his lunch and eats. (It is only 9am but he has been up to 3:30 so technically this is his lunchtime.)

I hear screams from the den. I'm just trying to finish my daily word search. Please children. One more minute.

More screams.

I walk into the den. 4 brown balls are scattered on my floor and I know that I haven't given the nuggets chocolate this early.

Caroline dramatically yells at Emma to "PPPPPPlease don't get dookie balls on my bathing suit. GROSS!" At this, Emma has a break down. It is obviously too much for her to handle... pooing on the floor AND her sister yelling at her. She cries hysterically and during her fit she steps on one of her balls. Ummm... shouldn't I be the one crying? I have to go clean up my kid AND clean poop off of the carpet.

Ryan continues his lunch undisturbed by the events happening 5 feet from him. This is what happens when you become a father. You eat lunch at 9am while you watch your wife clean poo off the carpet. This is what we call normal.

The morning didn't get much better from there.

I was ready to feed the nuggets lunch at 10:30.

I didn't. I'm not that terrible.

They ate at 11 on the dot and Emma has been asleep since 12.

Caroline is destroying something in the den.

Ryan's working.

I'm eating Fresh Market's Fiesta Layer Salad with chips and contemplating opening the wine bottle.

As soon as I typed that sentence, Caroline went upstairs and woke Emma up.

Welcome.

Welcome to the threshold of hell. Grab a glass of wine and get comfy.

Tell me these past 6 hours wouldn't scare the heck out of a teenager contemplating sex.

And I just realized the day isn't even halfway over. Dear sweet baby Jesus, help me.

11 comments:

Krystyn said...

We all have days like that!

Here's hoping that your carpet is poo free for a while longer.

And, maybe you get a mommy's helper one day to get an escape.

(And, what is it with dads thinking they are off duty all the time?)

Kandid Kelli said...

agree w.Krystyn, why do dads think they are O.D. all the time? My fiancee w.check the diaper and if its just wet he will change it if its anything else... he says thats "mom territory" What the crap?!

Good luck with the potty training... we were there for a little while then E keeps getting ear infections (every other month) and then digresses and now wont go near the potty... shes just now 26 mons. I think she associates the potty w.getting sick, b/c as soon as she better we try again and its only a matter of a few weeks & shes sick again :(

xo
-K

Christopher said...

We had a very similar weekend, just no poop on the floor! I think Brody is going through terrible two's a little early!

Jewel said...

Thank you for that little dose of birth control. And people ask me why I don't have kids...That bottle of wine would have been opened at breakfast! lol

Kari said...

Ahhh..the day that keeps you guessing. Guessing WHEN are those people with the white jacket are going to come a' knockin' at your door...and take you away! LOVE those days for sure.... ;)

Jamie said...

Wow! What a day! I hope today was much much much better!

The Nicholsons said...

You just made me laugh out loud and that's not like me so read something and laugh but you did that. Poor Poor Hailey. I can see all of this unraveling as its happening. We have a lot of days like that. A lot. Just think one week at the beach and it'll all be ok! :)

Dana said...

Thank you so much I needed a good laugh!

rebecca said...

just found your blog, it totally cracked me up! We have provided this service, of birth control, to many an onlooker in our time too!

Drama queens mum (Kimberly) said...

Your day so sounds like mine everyday, but I only have 1 child. She'll be 3 next month, so that prob counts as having more than 1 since she's so crazy right now. I'm usually ready for wine by 2pm.

Ellen said...

AWESOME! It sounds like a day in the life of my crazy family. If we lived closer, we'd totally be BFF's.