Tips, Info, Hints

Being a mom is a big deal. It is a hard job.

I don't know all of the answers but I can tell you all of the things I've done wrong. In other words, I can tell you what NOT to do.

Here are a list of tips/information/hints for this thing called motherhood... and life in general.

1. Green eye goo does not always mean something bad.

2. If your child falls off of the bed, couch or any other high object... they will be fine. As long as nothing is coming out of the soft spot on their head.

3. It is also good luck for a baby to fall off of the bed before they are a year old. Mine just so happened to fall off multiple times before a year old.

4. Pepsi in a sippy cup is ok.

5. You can use the vacuum to get your kids quiet for a minute. It is not harsh punishment.

6. Take all magnets off of your refrigerator. Your children will break them all and try to eat magnets. Magnets are not edible.

7. Do not wash your toddlers mouth out with coco butter body wash. They will like it.

8. Do not put a drop of hot sauce on their tongue when they say "shit". They will vomit and then you will be saying "shit".

9. Tampons in cardboard applicators are only good for applying eye shadow. Otherwise, they should not be made.

10. You can brush spitup and snot out of your hair.

11. Baby wipes can clean anything.

12. Go to your kitchen right now. Get your tin foil and plastic wrap. Did you do it? Do you have them in your hands? Look on the side. There is a little triangle cutout that you can push in. Push it in... on both sides... on both boxes. Never again will your whole roll come out of the box. This locks it in there. The little locks are even on the cheap tin foil and plastic wrap. You are welcome, friends.

13. Dilated pupils mean that the black of the eye is HUGE. I'm talking it takes up most of the color part of the eyeball. You will need to know this in case your toddler falls, busts her head on the cement, and is acting strangely.

14. Dirt comes off. It's ok for children to get dirty.

15. Ticks like to bite the back of the ears. No, it is not a freckle that you see. It is a tick. Immediately remove said tick and watch your child for 7 days for high fever and rash.

16. Dish washing tablets are NOT pepperonis. You may need to tell your toddler this. No, they do not look like pepperonis. I guess it was the red Dawn in the tablet that threw her off. If she eats the tablet, be sure to save what she didn't eat and that there is no plastic in her mouth. Watch her through the night.

17. All random sicknesses are viral. There is nothing the doctor can do for you. Drink lots of fluids.

18. Children will cut their hair at least once in their life. It's ok. It grows back and makes for good conversation while waiting in line at the grocery store.

19. When handing a child a juice box, go ahead and place the straw in their mouth. They will squeeze the juice box and this tip will save you from cleaning up juice box.

20. When starting solids, feed green peas first. If you can get them to like peas, they will eat anything.

21. The doctor is not always right and neither are you.

22. It is hard, and I still have not mastered this but... don't sweat the small stuff.

23. Crying in the shower, crying in the floor, crying... is ok... period. You deserve a good cry as often as you need it.

24. You will never sleep again. Give it up.

25. One day you will become use to being tired. You will learn to run on fumes. I'm almost always on empty.

26. It's ok to admit that you are breastfeeding to lose weight.

27. You haded bread crust as a child... as a mother you make them your meal.

That's all I've got for now. I'm sure I will be adding to the list.
What would you like to add?

Knock on the door.

My children are obviously allergic to clothing because as soon as we come in the house... they are down to just their big girl pants.

Well, the other day we were busy getting dressed to leave. Getting three people AND yourself dressed is a job.

Anyway, I heard Ryan yell... "GET BACK IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON!" Bug had run outside butt naked.

I didn't think anything of it. It is totally normal to streak in the Lafone household.

Next thing you know, there is a knock on the door.

I open it to a family friend laughing. "Umm, yes mam... have you seen any little girls running around out here naked?"

Dear sweet baby Jesus. I wonder who else has seen my child run outside butt naked.

All we could do was laugh about it and Ryan bounced down the stairs to add, "That's pretty ain't it?"

I walked to the car to talk to our friend's wife. She rolled down the window, "We turned around because we were going to try to get a picture for you to put on your blog."

People in these parts know me all too well. They obviously know my kids all too well know too... especially Bug and her naked butt.

The post where you all gasp at my honesty and think that I am a terrible mother

I have come to the realization in the past few months that the more I try, the worse my children are.

If I try to get them to nap, they always fight and we both end up in tears. On top of the tears, the nap never comes.

If I say "Mommy has to check e-mails. Can I have a minute?", it's like saying, "Please come ask me the same question 30 million times."

I cook eggs, they want cereal.

I fix a bowl of cereal, they want eggs.

Sometimes, as a mother, you can't win for losing.

Caroline has become extremely over the top lately. You have to look at her when she is speaking to you. It doesn't matter what you are doing. You must stop so that you can look at her. Nevermind having to drive the car, she insists that you look at her when she speaks.

Little does she know that I don't have to look at anyone when they speak. I can have 3 conversations going on around me and be a part of them all. You think I'm joking? I'm not. It is another one of my amazing abilities that motherhood has taught me.

There are days that I have break downs. Not for serious... just kind of. The other day I looked at Caroline during one of her why Q&A's and said, "Caroline, please! Leave me alone for just a minute so I can finish what I'm doing." No, I'm not proud of that. Yes, I feel terrible for saying it. I just can't believe that I sometimes ask my children to leave me alone. Please don't judge me. The reality is that sometimes I need Hailey time. I would be lying if I said I didn't. Hailey time consists of checking e-mail, sweeping the floor, making lunch (or one of the other 3 meals of the day), tee-teeing, showering. It's the small things that I want. I don't think that it too much to ask for. I forget to realize that 15 minutes is a long time for a almost 2 and almost 4 year old.

I was showering the other day. It had been a somewhat uneventful shower. I think there had only been one screaming incident. During this time, I realized that no matter where I go, or what I do, I will never have another peaceful shower. When someone is watching them for me, I'm still a mama and I'm wondering what they're doing and if they are ok. What is wrong with me? Is it just motherhood or am I some sort of psychotic nutjob? What I wouldn't give to shower without worrying about children.

And don't even get me started on using the bathroom. You mamas out there that haven't thought about it yet, there will come a day that you will have a curious 4 year old who wants to watch your every move. Be prepared to explain the tampon situation because it is a biggie. I told Caroline that it was my bandaid. That wasn't a lie, right? Anyway, just be prepared to share all of your business with the world.

To all of you "I chose to have my children close together" kind of parents, go ahead and reserve yourself a room at the local mental hospital because there is good chance that you will end you there. Sometimes your life will be so full of chaos that the sound a mental hospital would be better. At least it would be quiet in your super clean, white, padded room.

All jokes aside, Ryan commented that sometimes I write like my life is perfect. He says that sometimes it sounds like a fairytale... a lie... not real life. So, in response I will post this, the real world. Sometimes my children drive me crazy. Sometimes my husband drives me crazy. Sometimes I drive myself crazy. I make mistakes. I say ugly words. I yell. I have a short fuse most days. But, I try to be the best mother and wife I can be.

To that end, when it is all said and done, I couldn't be happier.